On a more frivolous occasion, a more innocent weekend of the pre-apocalypse maybe, the day of March 14th would be considered “Pi Day” or even “St. Patrick’s Saturday” when parades from Chicago to Savannah to the Irish Channel of NOLA to Boston and Dublin beyond would be underway. But in 2020, March 14th is the beginning of the end. Oh sure, there is much denial. Especially here in Florida, Spring Break continues unhindered & unhinged; as millions across the nation underwent self-quarantining and engaged in social distancing, much of Florida, including the theme parks and the night clubs and the beaches are last-hurrahing.
My last hurrah has long since sailed. I was downright hunkered in my undisclosed quarantine when I received a desperate plea from my old pal, Doc Kelly, wanting to get the band back together. He and I make up the summer roadshow, “Vic & Doc’s HOW TO HURRICANE SUR-THRIVE”, touring the sundrenched coast offering our damnedest advice to the tens of people willing to pay the $5 cover charge. “It’s not yet Spring, Doc.” I sez to him over the burner phone he shipped to my P.O. Box. “There’s barely a Sahara breeze blowing across the Atlantic. It is too early for storm season.” This wasn’t about hurricane survival, Doc told me. This was about people survival. People wanted to know about this “dang cruise-ship flu” and who better to earn some quick cash than he and Vic? I was open to discussion.
“Man…” Doc grabbed me by a shoulder tendon when we rendezvoused at Bangkok Chuck’s Tiki and Thai in Altamonte Springs, “I don’t know about you, but this virus seems to be everywhere: in the hospital, at the airport, in your mail, sleeping with your mailman’s wife, lounging under your fingernails begging for a nose-pick, in your nachos; practically everywhere, man. People are scared. If we don’t offer guidance, they’re liable to panic. What do you say we go educate some folks?”
Saturday night, March 14th, 2020, the last weekend of the pre-apocalypse, became the first and only “Vic & Doc’s CORONAVIRUS HOW TO SUR-THRIVE” appearance where we met with the public to address their most pressing questions with our damnedest attempts at answers… all at a distance of at least six feet.
This is the resulting transcript:
When is a good time to panic?
Doc – When attacked by a possum. Opossum.
Vic – I’m panicking now, but it is all internalized into indigestion.
Why is everyone buying so much toilet paper?
Doc – Simple economics. There is a toilet paper shortage, which increases demand.
Why is there a toilet paper shortage?
Doc – People keep buying all the toilet paper.
How certain are the tests for Coronavirus?
Vic – 90% of tests are half accurate.
Doc – You can test yourself at home if you just hold your breath for 10 seconds…
Vic – No, they said that doesn’t work.
Doc – Worked for me. I held my breath and look at me: fit as a whistle…
There are some great deals out there for cruise trips. How far out should I book my next cruise?
Doc – Three weeks from now. Think about it – you’ll have the place to yourself. Even if you do get sick, the salt air is healing.
Should we head for the hills and wait this out in the wilderness, living in caves and eating squirrel?
Doc – What? No. Living in caves is batshit-crazy and batshit is how we got here in the first place.
Vic – If everyone heads for the hills, you’re better off in the valley. I’d suggest renting out an air-conditioned storage unit, lining the door with duct tape and waiting it out with a couple buckets of peanut butter.
Will “Social Distancing” be enough?
Vic – “Social Distancing” is about the bunker mindset. It will not save us, but it may delay the apocalypse long enough for the government to figure out what the fuck to do. So yes, maybe. And no, of course not.
How to “Social Distance”?
Vic – Establish your bunker. This could be an unfixed location, but it needs to be under your influence. It could include your house, your car and your local bar. Keep your bunker clean and strangers out. You should have a limited number of people in your bunker and those bunkmates better stay out of other bunkbeds, if you catch my drift. If your spouse or parent or child cannot abide by social distancing, they should be removed from your bunker. Your bunker is only as strong as your sickest link.
I have this friend who has sex with a lot of people. What should…?
Vic – Exclude this friend from the bunker. They are a liability.
Okay, there is no “friend”. It’s me. I like sex with a lot of different people. What should I do?
Doc –When seeking out partners, try not to rely on the internet or picking up partners in bars, because that’s just dirty. Try going to church and having sex with a lot of good, wholesome, clean Christians.
Vic – If you must have sex with strangers: check your prospective partner(s) for fever, ask if they’ve been overseas, use two condoms and maintain a distance of six feet at all times.
When will there be a cure?
Doc – Have you tried silver supplements?
Vic – Those do not work.
Doc – Tumeric then. I mean, there’s probably all kinds of cures out there. The problem is they will probably kill you faster than this batshit-flu. So, you know, pick your poison.
Children seem to be asymptomatic to the coronavirus. Is that because they are innocent and spared by God’s vengeance?
Doc – Of course.
Vic – Maybe.
If I have the batshit-flu, what do I do?
Vic – Self-quarantine. You can order pizza delivery and use the pizza to barter with your neighbors for your biggest medical needs, like Gatorade, cough-suppressant and toilet paper.
Doc – And brandy. Drink brandy by itself; no soda water. The fumes of the brandy will help loosen the batshit in your lungs.
Should I go to the hospital?
Doc – No, that’s where all the sick people are.