Hurricane Survival Guide: Coronavirus Edition

Cyrus Lee Hancock has been a pioneer in hurricane survival since the early century when he survived the onslaught of 2004’s hurricane season, enduring Hurricanes Charley, Frances, Ivan and Jeanne, to emerge from the ashes as Central Florida’s pre-eminent hurricane survivalist. In 2013, after a controversial real estate deal selling Bolivian desert to investors looking for shelter from the 2012 Maya Apocalypse, Cyrus Lee Hancock was forced to leave Florida and resettle in Nashville, Tennessee. His passion remained, however, and he now runs a non-profit hurricane rescue agency from the safety of America’s heartland.

Cyrus Lee Hancock

The following excerpt has been taken from the 10th Anniversary Edition of Cyrus Lee Hancock’s Complete Authority on Hurricane Survival.

Cyrus Lee Hancock on Surviving the Primary Perils of Hurricanes

Dehydration: Water, water everywhere , nor any drop to drink, wrote Coleridge. Hurricanes can dump unfathomable loads of liquid, like an elephant pissing on an anthill, but so often those who perish in a hurricane do so because of dehydration. A cruel joke of the gods, indeed. To prevent dehydration, eat salted watermelon and abstain from masturbation.

Hammock-related death: Hammocks slung between palm trees is the epitome of relaxation, in theory, but in practice, the “Lazy-Boy of the Tropics” is nothing but a noose waiting for a neck. Unsling your hammocks and keep them stored away for never.

Flip-Flop-related catastrophe: Another archetype of easy-going beach life is the thong-toe sandal referred to by common folk as the “flip-flop”. This too has ended more lives than can be measured. Flip-flops blow-out, as Jimmy Buffet has noted, and they do so in the most inopportune times. Be sure to save the foot lettuce for sunnier times and wear close-toed footwear during storms.

Electrocution: I should almost say “boredom” as it is in the boring aftermath of hurricanes when most hurricane-related deaths occur as survivors stick their stupid gopher heads outside the garage door, walking their piss-bloated mongrel across a downed power line, sending incredible wattage through both beast and master until each is a flaming afterthought to the electrical current, smote flesh smoking in someone’s driveway. Don’t get bored or complacent; watch where you step and pickup after your dog.

Food Sickness: Aged mayonnaise affects us all differently, depending on whether or not our gut biome is trained to digest yesterday’s deviled egg. A delicacy to some might be malignant diarrhea to another (versus benign diarrhea, administered via enema on Sundays when the weather is clear). Food sickness also leads to dehydration. Stay away from mayonnaise, unless you regularly eat tuna-fish sandwiches heated on your dashboard over the course of a few days.

Asphyxiation: Lack of oxygen often leads to death. Asphyxiation commonly occurs when our lungs cannot suck oxygen in, like outer space or the bottom of the pool, but it could also happen in the family home if a generator or a car is pumping fumes which suck the oxygen out of your lungs. It could also occur with breath-play, choking your partner or being choked by your partner, or through auto-erotic asphyxiation when you’re choking yourself with a necktie during masturbation. To avoid asphyxiation, do not have gas-powered machines running in your home and abstain from sexual activities as they often lead to dehydration, asphyxiation, disenchantment, alienation and sometimes hemorrhoid pangs.

“Forecasts are for Hurricane Isaias to deliever Covid-19 across the Atlantic Coast like an Uber-Eats Angel of an Angry God”

Neighbor-on-Neighbor Violence: Are you often calling the landlord about the upstairs neighbors and their noise? Have you called the police to stop domestic disputes next door? Have you accused your neighbor of neglecting their lawn or have they accused you of neglect? If yes, you could be setting yourself up for score-settling vengeance during a catastrophic event. Civil society pays its debts in the light of day, but uncivil savages wait for moments of vulnerability to seek their revenge. If you suspect neighbors hold a grudge against you, be sure to neutralize their aggression during times of catastrophe by attacking them first, preferably without being identified, in a manner which will keep them occupied and distracted from previous thoughts of vengeance. For example, set fire to their house or kidnap their Nana or let loose a mongoose in their attic. And if it’s your neighbor’s wife you covet, you can pop on by to the rescue. Who knew mongeese mongooses respond well to beef jerky? You did, our hero!

Animal Attack: Florida is the world leader in alligator and shark bites, but, during a hurricane, these are the least threatening monsters to man. Gators dig themselves into the muck; hurricanes are no time to feed. Similarly, sharks seek depth, not beaches, during storms. The animals to remain wary of during hurricanes are those you least expect; those whose defense mechanisms are the most offensive to your mortality. The deer or possum trapped in your garage after the garage-door is blown asunder and the neighbor’s collapsed oak has cut-off escape. Your dead neighbor’s starved house-cat who may be declawed, but relishes your earlobe flesh. Stingrays which would rather be elsewhere, but who have been storm-surged into your living room. Always expect the unexpected and do not cuddle with stingrays.

Animal Attack #2: Florida is home to many zoos, animal sanctuaries and residences where exotic animals are kept as pets. Hurricanes are known for undermining boundaries, opening the door for foreign beasts to roam your golf course as if it were the Serengeti.  There is no way to prepare against the unknown vicious creature which once was bound in a cage down the road and is now bouncing off your diaphragm. Perhaps your neighbor has a thing for Aussie animals and you find your neighborhood infested with punchy wallabies, pink-eyed koalas and disemboweling cassowaries. Or something as simple and cute as the mayor’s pet chimpanzee has grown into an ape monster cracking femurs like breadsticks to get at the bone marrow. There is no way of knowing what sort of creatures might be loosed to the world during a hurricane. Keep your doors shut and your assault rifles handy.

Infidelity: A jealous husband or wife, boyfriend or girlfriend, might grit their teeth, self-medicate or deny everything… during normal times, but in the lead-up to or in aftermath of a hurricane, perceptions are shook. Those who might not otherwise be vindictive, become vindictive. Those who have been waiting for a moment of vulnerability to strike, strike. It was during one of the lesser hurricanes of ’04, Jeanne maybe, when my pager received a “911” page from my girlfriend, uh, whatshername, something Italian, I think. I left my own family to drive across town to her apartment, only to find her bound & gagged like a Christmas pig. I barely had a chance to recognize the threatening situation before her husband whacked me over the back of the head with a golf club. Fortunately, the shaft broke and his club was rendered useless and I was able to grab the piece of shit by the face and throw him down the stairwell. I stopped dating his wife, so maybe his busted vertebrae was worth it to him, but I still get headaches, sixteen years later.

Kindness: Yeah, so the first major storm in 2004, Hurricane Charley, shit got pretty fucking crazy. I had a long machete I painted “Kindness” along its flank. When shit got craziest, well, I don’t want to incriminate myself here, but let’s just say I literally killed a motherfucker with “Kindness”.

Covid-19: Let’s get the controversy out of the way. Some believe Covid-19 is a hoax perpetrated by conspirators in every country of the world in order to dethrone Trump. I wouldn’t put it past them. Let’s focus on the other side of the coin and assume, for argument’s sake, this coronavirus is legit. People are saying Covid-19 is airborne. You know what else is airborne? A motherfucking hurricane! Do you know the hottest spot for Covid-19 in the world? Florida. Where do hurricanes often strike first before following the Atlantic Coast? Florida. My point? Hurricanes will spread coronavirus in its wake. What can be done? Evacuate! You know where hurricanes fear to tread? Tennessee! Mention this blog post and get $5 off a 3 night stay at Cyrus Lee Hancock’s Motor Lodge Bunker & Casino located just 90 minutes from downtown Nashville.

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