Doctor Fledermaus-Scheiss’s Miscellaneous Glossary

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Zoonosis – when diseases transmit from animal to human. Used in a sentence, “Lenny’s girlfriend made some extra-money performing in Tijuana and through the magic of zoonosis she now has Donkey-Pox.”

SARS-1 – the first Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (2003). The infected showed symptoms before becoming highly infectious. “Sally coughed-up a kidney and we knew to back away before becoming infected.”

SARS-2 – the second Severe Acute Respiratory Syndrome (2020), aka Covid-19. The infected are often asymptomatic & infectious or infectious before they show symptoms. “Sally smiled pleasantly and we didn’t know to back away before becoming infected.”

The Common Cold – a coronavirus, just not a “novel” one

Spanish Flu – didn’t even speak Spanish. It originated, we believe, when a Chinese duck crossed with an Iowa cow and through the magic of zoonosis, Americans took the disease to Europe just in time for World War I.

Vectors – are disease mailmen if mailmen were vampires. Like mosquitoes. They may not intend delivering malaria, but they certainly intend on sucking that sweet, sugary, boozy blood of yours.

Amplifiers – make everything worse. Other animals carry disease, but amplifiers up the ante. Like pigs. Pigs can transmit viruses more efficiently than other mammals because they shit so much and their oinking exhales carry viruses so much further.

Hiccups – funny disruptions of air in people. We don’t know why they happen, but they frequently occur in eating/drinking situations and are cured by a timely fright. Also, if someone is suffering Ebola and starts to hiccup, they dead soon.

Typhoid Mary – an asymptomatic cook in early 20th century New York who infected dozens with tyhoid. She refused to believe she was infected and when told she could no longer be a cook, she changed her name and continued infecting families who hired her. She died after years in quarantine.

Exodus – bad shit goings-on in Egypt around 1490 BCE. Bad shit like locusts swarms and hailstorms and Moses stirring the pot and splitting seas.

Pericles – a leader in Athens during war with the dastardly Spartans around 430 BCE. The Athenians attacked Sparta by sea, but wouldn’t fight them by land. Instead, Athens shuttered-up and closed their gates. Some genius Spartan got the bright idea of sneaking Typhoid inside the Athens walls. Lots of Athenians died of Typhod Fever, aka “Spartan-Flu”, including Pericles.


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